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March 19, 2009

Posted by ash in about Moody rants.
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The rude woman who is my mom is at it again. Ignoring all of us.

That day I ran into her in the mall near our house. She was with a friend. Instinctively, I called out to her. She responded with a mild nod and walked away. Minutes later I received a call from her, giving me a dressing down for calling out to her. She was hysterical, insisting that she had told me many times not to “identify her in public” when she is with someone. You know what all this means? It just means she is ashamed to have her daughter seen by her companions. She is afraid of having to explain abut her daughter if her friends ask. From questions like “Has she grown fatter?”  “When did she come back to Singapore?”  to “Where is she working now?” It’s because she spun lies to her friends. When I was younger, she used to lie to her friends about all sorts of things, just to “save face”. Sometimes she would make me rehearse what to say, if her friends ever call and I happened to pick it up. To me, the worst thing about that incident at the mall is how ridiculous it is,  that your own mother is embarassed to acknowledge your presence in public.

I am tired of her eccentricity and nonsense. I remember reading that article on ~y~’s blog about parents using silent treatment on their kids. The article was right. It’s non-violent abuse in its most potent form. That evening after I ran into her at the mall, I didn’t talk to her the entire night. Well, to me it was “not talking”. To her there probably was no change.  She ignores us all the time anyway.

I know she is sick and may suffer emotional burden heavier than any of us. Sometimes I try to show concern by asking her things like “Have you eaten?”…Seriously how many times do you want to try asking a person that when all the person does is look straight ahead into blank space as though you are not there? And trust me, she is not spacing out. She knows fully well what is happening. She even ignores my dad. Bravo. The only communication we have is her storming into the room and shouting at me for the “triviaL of the day”. That’s it. Silence or Shouting. I wouldn’t choose either if I had a choice.

Maybe you think it’s very unfillial of me to say such things of my own mother. But this form of abuse, becomes intolerable over years. She is my mother yes, but I loathe this part of her. And I blame her for such behavior of hers which was influential in shaping my own attributes. I hate kids, I have no patience with people, I don’t know how to love and share, and I am always feeling insecured and inferior. Much as a person is responsible for his or her own behavior (especially in adult years), I can’t help but feel a deep sense of resentment towards my mother for the kind of negativity she instilled in me these years through her own selfish behavior.

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