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March 10, 2009

Posted by ash in Uncategorized.
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I don’t know which is worse. The hurt from the hurt or the hurt from not getting words of consolation you would like to hear from your loved ones.

I don’t know which is more pathetic. Me or the situation I am in.

I don’t know which is more normal. Being judged based on your looks or being judged based on your merits. I no longer know where one starts from, where one ends or where one merges.

Ever felt like you are entered into a race whereby your competitor is given a 10 km headstart? Never mind you tell yourself. It’s only 10 km, I can catch up as long as I run hard enough, as long as I have the spirit.

You run and run. After a few hours, you realise that instead of moving closer to your competitor, you have only been running on the same spot. All the people standing by have walked ahead to support your competitor instead. You are abandoned by time, by people and the worst? You are outdone by the situation.

If I sit down and rest for a while, or even cry in desperation…does it mean that I am a weakling? If I quit the race and join another race, does it mean that I am smart? If I continue to run harder than ever and outdo the situation, does it mean that I have an admirable fighting spirit? What is the solution to the above? WHICH ONE IS IT, WHICH ONE? All of you enlightened people out there, WHICH ONE?

I am feeling the heat of losing to someone younger, supposedly more attractive and supposedly more capable. I don’t know what you are supposed to do when the director says that your counterpart is more capable (and more attractive) when he has only met the both of you once for the same duration. I don’t know how one can manage to stay positive when your director tells your direct boss that in our dept, this one staff has great potential and please send her only for all trips to the headquarters next time. Maybe I should laugh and send an e-mail telling him that 1+1 = 2 and that hello! I am here. A teletubby waiting for people to discover that she is a good worker too, provided she really is.

Am I so ugly that I can’t even qualify for the race that judge people on looks? Is my work so insignificant that people cannot see my worth even if I don’t have looks? Most of all, do I have the energy to run in a race that starts on uneven grounds?

This problem has gone so deep that I no longer know which layer I am caught in. Somewhere between the layers of no self-worth and fatigue maybe. Add another layer of “not getting consolation”. I am making my way out now. When I get to Warwick Avenue, can I drop the past and be true?

For years I have contented myself with a little support here and there from good girlfriends, good food and crap variety programmes. But you know, what I really want is just some simple words of encouragement from the people I love and who are closest to me. My parents.

They asked me why I am crying. I want to open up to them, I want to get a little hug from them, some concern from my mother maybe. I tell them why. Eventually the scenario closes with both of them quarrelling over what the solution should be. Why would I want to hear more shouting when voices are shouting in my head already. I cry I go to the bathroom and they still continue to shout outside. In the end the only advice I get from my mother is to live with the fact that I am ugly and unlucky in life. And that probably dying would solve my problems if I find it so hard to live. My dad shouts for me to ignore my mother. They continue shouting at each other. Soon my tears dry and I sit and stare into space. DO YOU KNOW THE FEELING? CAN YOU UNDERSTAND? HAVE YOU BEEN THROUGH SOMETHING LIKE THIS?

The boyfriend hung up on me when I didn’t dig his consolation. His consolation was filled with nothing but sense. 100% logic and sense. Don’t bother about them, stay and fight on. Do your job, be true to yourself. Be stronger. All right.

I don’t know why the words “Be stronger” hits me harder than any other thing else. Maybe because I cannot stand being seen as weak. Maybe because I am tired of trying to be strong. Maybe because I don’t know how to be strong. Maybe because I am weak. And maybe because, I judt don’t understand, HOW FUCKING STRONG DO YOU WANT ME TO BE?

I sat through the dinner listening to those words of praise for my counterpart, smiling and laughing. At times nodding with agreement with the rest. “Ahhh yes, haha…yes”

To me, I did my part. With that I demonstrated my 2 cents worth of strength.

I didn’t say that tomorrow I am going to fall into an abyss and acknowledge defeat forever. I didn’t say I am not going to continue trying.

But NOW, bloody NOW. I only need some support for a disheartened soul, some gentleness to heal this little wound. Perhaps the only words I need to hear are “Don’t worry, you can do it”

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Comments»

1. wee - March 10, 2009

it’s 12:40am now and I am only halfway thru the slides I am supposed to submit tmr!
life sucks sometimes, yeah?
there’re people (me) who are struggling to complete something in the wee hours of the night.
and there’re people who are sleeping soundly now and they’d wake up tmr morning and the first thing they ask when they reach office tmr would be, ‘so SW, where are the slides?’

but dear, sometimes it is really just the circumstances. it’s not you, but them, every one of them.
to me, you are pretty, witty and creative (it just happens to kinda rhyme).
so heck what the rest says!

and don’t worry, you can do it. 🙂

2. pathslks - March 10, 2009

zh, it’s not necessary to be strong all the time, you know. sometimes we can accept that we are not as strong.

btw, just sharing, i understand the incomprehension about your mum. i used to be angry with my parents, thinking, why didn’t they support me on things which really mattered to me?

it took a long time for me to understand that, and i have made my peace with them. hope you will too, one day.

LKS

3. ash - March 11, 2009

Wee: Sorry, but I laughed at the funny sentence of wee completing something in the wee hours of the night. Yes you are right, I cried my eyes out yesterday night and this morning when I woke up, I was just filled with a resignation that it is really just the circumstances. I will try not to be swallowed by it. And I thank you from my heart, (you know that little gesture of pressing her hand against her chest which Penelope Cruz did during the Oscars) for believing that I can do it.

KS: Thank you really. I am surprised to see you here and trust me, strangely consoled to see your words. Thank you for sharing..yes I hope to make peace with them 1 day like you did…and I believe that when that day comes, peace would come to me too.

4. ~y~ - March 11, 2009

cheer up zh, only you can do it for yourself, no matter how hard it is. if your parents quarrel, then don’t talk to them both together, talk to your dad separately, or your mum. parents will always be pragmatic people and try to comfort us the best way they know how, even though it’s not the words we want to hear. but we cannot change our parents, we cannot change the people they are, we cannot control them. we can only change ourselves and our mindsets and the way we respond to them and we can control how they influence us. don’t care what your bosses say or feel, as long as you feel you have done your job to the best of your ability, don’t give up or feel helpless… never let other people make you feel less than what you are, nobody should have that kind of control over you.

5. ash - March 11, 2009

Dear ~y~, thank you. I need to stop feeling helpless, which is basically what I have been feeling since last year after I came back from Japan. A lot of these go way beyond just a few superficial incidents at work and complaining about being fat. The true problems are results of long-standing issues in the family or just the way I was being brought up. But you are right, the most important is not to allow people to make me feel less than what I am, including my parents.

6. yAnn - March 11, 2009

I think men have this built-in solutions system in their brains. Tell them that you are sad/angry/unhappy/disturbed and the system will kick in to offer solutions. It took me so many years to “train” Jimmy and tell him that hey! I don’t need no solution, just gimme some compassion!

You’ve always been a strong one, don’t ever doubt yourself. Don’t doubt your intelligence, capability, strength, attractiveness and wittiness. Don’t let anyone take your self-belief away from you.

ash - March 11, 2009

Yann: Hey! Thanks. Haha, training Jimmy sounds funny. Imagine him practising an act of compassion everyday. Self-belief, that’s crucial. Struggling to keep mine in place, but shall continue trying!

wee: LOL, wee wee is a naughty girl. Deliberate create pun to make me laugh huh! Well it worked 🙂 and thanks for that!

7. wee - March 11, 2009

haha yeah that was deliberate. wee working in the wee hours. 😛
i hope you are feeling (at least) slightly better now. hugs!

8. Mrs Kaneshiro - March 11, 2009

Hey dear,
Sorry to hear about your ordeal with those shallow people.
Like what I’ve always labeled them, they are just a bunch of shallow sh*t. Capability doesn’t rings any bell to them while hardworking is just a MUST to them in their stupid culture *after my experience w Ueda & rest*

If you are consider as “ugly” I seriously wonder what happen to the rest of us gals. So do not trust the judgment of these shallow shit!
Chinese has a saying “1shan 2bu 4zhuan, 4lu 4zhuan”, “if the mountain ain’t able to curve, road could” I’m sure with the experience you have gain over there will land you with better opportunities in another brand new place. Ganbatte! And pls dun chose j*p co anymore dear!

Love & HEART you always!

9. ash - March 12, 2009

Kaneshiro-san, sankyu! I heart you too!


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