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The curious case of Ashley Glutton January 14, 2009

Posted by ash in about Friends, about Memories & Reflections, about Movies, art & anime!.
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Nothing curious about the dwindling views to this blog. It’s almost dead. I don’t view it either. Not that I care about how many people come and read my senseless whinings, just that when page views is reflected in an easy-to-understand graph once you open up your account page on wordpress, it is hard not to notice.

The past few weeks, I have given up pleasing the boss, provided self-counselling to myself to stop thinking of my rival as a rival and generally try to get off early from work. The result is that I have been able to achieve peace and sanity of some sort (so derived if I ignore peripheral alarms which ring every now and then and the fact that I have to take Bombay express home) and I am happy. Even if the current state seems more like a limbo than an enlightened change.

What I did was to immerse myself in dramas and movies. 

You can laugh at me, I am only watching CSI now. Yours truly who is slower than a rickshaw when it comes to the “in” dramas. Every night I catch up on the old episodes of CSI. Watch dead bodies, blood splatter and graphical depictions of bullet paths. Very interesting to me, after all these years of missing out. (They never had CSI in Japan! It was only Prison break) And am grateful that Boston Legal is coming to a stop, so I have time to catch up.

About 2 weeks ago, I watched a couple of intensely emotional and dramatic movies at 1 shot, leaving me overwhelmed and somehow having a strange satisfaction of feeling powerful emotions again. “Changeling”, “7 pounds” and “The curious case of Benjamin Button”. Though they have different storylines, it all led me to start thinking about the themes of life, existence and losing our loved ones. The “what ifs” in these movies struck me deeply. What if something hasn’t happened, what if we didn’t meet someone, how different the consequences would be if we didn’t do what we did in just that 1 minute of our lives…and the whole thing about six degrees of separation…we are all so connected to each other, ultimately our action impacts not just ourselves but others, and subsequently it comes back to impact you again.

Suddenly, the phrase “You only have yourself to blame” comes to my mind. I am guilty of conveniently forgetting this every now and then. Exactly how many people acknowledge this at any point in their lives and attribute their own failure to themselves in a justifiable manner? What extent of blaming yourself would constitute “overblaming” and earn you a consolation of “Don’t blame yourself too much”? And even then, should you not? I have no answers to these questions.

In between watching these movies and thinking of all these, I contribute to the sales of Calbee potato chips and Macdonalds. (I am sorry if the dollars went to financing the Gaza war, I didn’t mean for it because I don’t believe a damn thing) When things get too intense, I switch to CSI, shut my mind out and eat instant noodles while they do the autopsies. Junk food and comfort food to me is the same thing.

Once in a while, I did the right thing by coming out. Ok, watching Redcliff in a dark enclosed area does not indicate increased activity but at least I travelled to watch it! Meeting up with some friends was good, especially seeing Nigel after a year. Thanks for the Matryoshka doll, bro! Even though you never intended to brave minus 11 degrees to get it for me, I appreciate it. Want to post a picture here but I am at work (gasp) so will do it again.

Yes, 1 healthy thing I did recently was to paint. A birthday present for someone special. Painting with my heart is something I missed doing for 10 yrs. The last time I painted something for someone was 10 yrs ago. Abby, please frame the card up.

This time I did watercolor on A3. I saw no point in dabbling with canvas, oils or acrylic since those were costly and I am not an art student. It was kiddy water colors on drawing paper. When I sent it to the shop for framing, the auntie couldn’t help but chuckle after asking me “Did you draw this?”. I replied yes because I am proud of it. I may not be professional but I still created something. I haven’t seen the end product yet, would go collect it tomorrow.

Today the boss is not around so I am a little slack. Next week onwards, things would start getting busy, but I know what to do to keep myself sane now.

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