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August 3, 2008

Posted by ash in Uncategorized.
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I am feeling really exhausted these days. I think it’s the frequent shuttle flights to Jakarta that is causing the fatigue. Until now, I actually have not experienced “real” work stress in terms of Monday blues or fearing to go to work, unlike the previous job. But this weekend, I am sort of dreading to go to work.

For one, the new girl is officially here and she is doing a great job at irritating the shit out of me. I mean, for goodness sake, who asks about bonus on her first day of work? If you are so desperate to know, go and fucking ask the HR or finance, not me. “Hey, do you know if I can check Yahoo mail here?” No we can’t. If working in our subsidiary group for 1 year has not made you realised that this is a JAPANESE company and that we are not allowed to do private things during work time, then you better start learning the corporate culture. Oh, perhaps you thought that speaking with an American slang makes things different for you? “Well, I just thought that if the company server is down, maybe people can still send emails to my Yahoo account”. HA HA, and I have told all my business partners to send emails to my facebook account when the company server is down.

I am also beginning to feel the heat of all these “well, it’s on the job training!” things. Just thinking of coordinating the upcoming roadshows, press conferences and more roadshows is making my head reel. The best part is, they are all going to be in Jarkata. Plus, now that I am the “senior” girl in the team, I have the unspoken responsibility of “taking care” of the new staff. I am sorry to say that I have not learnt any PR skills these years. I have either intentionally or unintentionally made it very obvious to my boss that my relationship with the new girl shall be limited to work only. Don’t expect friendship. I am tired of 委屈自己 already. I don’t have so much energy these days to put up all these fronts. Fine, I will put up fronts when it is necessary, but I don’t want to force myself anymore than needed. I am tired.

Yesterday I bumped into the jerk. Literally. I was walking along the narrow link from one mall to another and was talking to my friend when I nearly knocked into someone. I turned and saw that it was him. There was a flicker of recognition on his face and as fast as it happened, he had sped ahead and passed the crowds. I knew it. I knew this day would come. Someday somewhere in tiny SG, I knew I would run into him again. I just didn’t expect it to be yesterday. I regret that I wasn’t looking my best. My make-up was half gone and my face was in the state of the acne glory. Although my companion assured me that the jerk wldnt have paid much attention, I still felt bitter. The whole episode happened in less than a minute, an unknowing passer-by probably would not even have noticed the slight exchange of looks. I was treated like a stranger. I was upset. Why do people change so fast? How can people change so fast? But of course I am being silly, why wouldn’t I be a stranger? Afterall, he thinks I ruined things for him. No more feelings for me would be an understatement. But was there a need for him to walk away so fast? Deliberately snaking through the crowds with high speed, was he afraid that I would reach out my arm and cling on to him? That is why I reiterate the point about me being silly, I still think about him every now and then, despite all the hurt. Maybe it’s because of the hurt, that’s why I can’t shake these thoughts off. My only consolation was that he wasn’t with the ex. Then again, they may be together. Who knows? The truth is, that few seconds shook me to the core. Whatever defense mechanism and recovery fortress that I have built these weeks came tumbling down. Melancholy instantly took over and the rest of the night, I was just an empty shell.

I don’t know what is happening to me. Is it the medication causing all these mood swings or is it the series of unfortunate events? I only have 1 question, don’t I deserve better?

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Comments»

1. Mrs Kaneshiro - August 5, 2008

The better one usually comes only after our phase with the bad ones…*hugs*


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