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July 23, 2008

Posted by ash in Uncategorized.

I don’t understand why people don’t understand.

They keep asking me not to worry, not to dwell on things.

I can’t help not worrying when things are not going my way? I can’t help worrying when I feel shit about myself and have less than zero confidence?

I have heard them all, the suggestions.

“You should stop worrying”. “You should do yoga.” You should do this you should do that.

Is it really that simple?

It’s been less than 1 month since the shitty break-up and I am already trying to be strong mind you.

I can’t possibly feel good about myself when I suffer from intense acne, look like shit, struggle with weight probs, feel like shit, be clumsy at work and subsequently feeling more shit.

And you cannot say I didn’t try.

Trust me. I tried harder than any other time. I have been exercising harder than ever, I spent loads of money going to skin clinics, I have been controlling my diet harder than ever, I have been channelling whatever energy I have towards work and coping with the new environment. I try to see all these as challenges and do my utmost to combat them. But I am burnt. I need assurance but I don’t get any. I don’t see any.

I try to be pro-active and constructive. Find another source of cure for my problems. I saw another doctor. He put me on contraceptives to curb the acne. I am worried because the contraceptive will surely cause weight gain. I combed through all online forums, got real testimonials from people who have taken them. I am already struggling with weight problems. I am struggling with recurring acne as well. So what am I sposed to do?

I know. Be patient. Wait 6 months to 1 year for the medication to take effect. By then I would already have ballooned from the water retention the contraceptive causes. Drop the contraceptive and take the antibiotics only? I see no result. What? I have to wait the same duration to see results?

Fuck me for being impatient. I need results NOW. I cannot take this anymore.

How can I not worry and find my confidence when so many things are happening to fuck me up?

Sure. Throw the word “irony” at me and tell me that it’s precisely because I am worrying about all these unnecessary things that’s why I am suffering from hormonal imbalance which in turns causes the severe acne. Sure. Tell me that I never had much confidence anyway and I should start finding a way out and building it up.

Fuck it. I am trying. I am trying so fucking hard it hurts. And you tell me I need to stop worrying.



1. ~y~ - July 24, 2008

not all contraceptives cause weight gain! come be my swimming partner after work at Suntec…

2. ash - July 24, 2008

But they say the diane35 does! I don’t know, I read all forums, 8 out of 10 ppl said so. And Abby also said she ballooned after taking. Sigh. One of my other friends said she didnt gain weight but she experienced a crazy increase in blood pressure. Either way, I am not impressed by the side effects.

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