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July 6, 2008

Posted by ash in Uncategorized.
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Ignore the previous entry. I was being wimpy.

I just had a conversation with a mutual friend who told me off and put things into perspective for me. She was harsh but what she said was essentially true.

I think, the anguish and emotional unrest I feel from this incident does not pertain solely to the jerk. The mutual friend is right. After I left Japan, I had a lot of pent up emotions. I left someone whom I truly loved in Japan to come back. Coupled with family responsibility, loss of direction in career and a general lack of confidence, I fumbled around until I met the jerk. So I thought he could be the one and I gave 200% to the relationship. I refused to think it was a rebound, since I put in decent effort and feelings. But you know, maybe you guys are right, it was a rebound. I just didn’t see it in full light. And all these sadness and injustice I felt, I thought it’s because of how much I felt for him. In actual fact, I am reacting towards the series of “unfortunate events” that had befell me. This whole thing with the jerk was the last to happen and I might have felt the weight of it all through this last link.

What the mutual friend was trying to tell me was to wake up, stop wallowing and stop putting taglines and facebook status updates which would make the jerk feel like he is the whole damn world. Yes, that’s what I have been doing. A part of me thought that by doing so, he would feel guilty for doing whatever he did to me, but I am just being foolish.

He has gotten his retribution and from now on, his business is not mine.

I have to concentrate on living my life. No looking back. Look forward, things can only get better when you are at the lowest point.

Suddenly, I feel a fresh burst of determination. I have weathered storms of my own for a long time now, everytime I fell I stood up. This time should be no exception. I can do this, I just need to believe in myself. And I know some of you have been dying to tell me, yes, I should stop pitying myself. I am sorry for being a wimp. Watch me live people.

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