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July 6, 2008

Posted by ash in Uncategorized.

I took refuge in the SATC thing again. This morning I was watching Season 5, everyone is feeling unsettled, unsatisfied and resigned to the fact that they are gonna remain as old maids. So they said something like how some things are hard to say and you end up hiding them. Things like “I am going to be divorced” “I just broke up” etc. And it’s like if you say these real feelings out, you might feel better.

You know, I have been very honest with myself this whole week. I went through every single thing I was feeling and said them all out. Things like

  • I finally admit he is a bastard and I want to stop making excuses for him
  • I realised that much as he wasn’t happy with me (or so he claims) the same could be said for me
  • I am going to forget him and move on BUT
  • for some masochistic reason, I think of him every now and then and even miss him
  • I can’t stop thinking and feeling angry about how (to borrow a line from one of the SATC eps) he ate another woman’s sushi
  • How lonely and miserable I feel and *gasp* no more weekend coloring

So I admitted to feeling all of the above everyday for the past week. I wanted to be honest and I don’t want to deceive myself into thinking that I really can put this down within the short span of 1 week. Sure, nobody expects me to…afterall classic cliche preaches that time heals all wounds and we are talking about a time frame of anywhere from 3 months to forever.

It doesn’t matter that I have plans underway to transform myself from Bridget Jones to a quarter of Angelina Jolie so that the next time I run into him on the streets, he would regret what he did. It doesn’t matter that some of his friends are giving him the cold shoulder for what he did. It doesn’t matter that the ex-gf probably wouldn’t last long anyway. And of course it doesn’t matter that he joined the Agnes B fan page on facebook.

The truth is, I feel terrible. Lacklustre, lost and miserable. Plus whatever other negative terms you can find in the dictionary of “Emotions felt after being dumped by an asshole”. After 7 days of self-conditioning and repeated utterances / repeated playing of “I will survive”, I have to say I am not surviving very well indeed.

My confidence index which was originally at 0.3 has plummeted to negative figures the size of Titanic under sea level. His friend said to me, “Forget him, he is a himbo who just goes for looks” . Situational analysis. Someone who goes for looks dumping you reads ” frumpy unattractive you doesn’t quite make the mark anymore.”

No surprise, since I don’t have bronzy tanned skin and can’t fit into a bikini. Plus, I don’t go to the beach, don’t like the sun and don’t can’t cycle. And I don’t know anything about photography or IT and am not a sexy career woman clad in well-fitted office shirts and killer stilettos. I also happen to lack a cleavage for that matter.

And out of all his relationships, mine was the shortest. Not very flattering in my opinion. I know, the bright side is that at least I didn’t waste anymore time right? Bah. I wish that could make me feel better.

My constant battle with the volcanoes on my forehead is killing me. Everytime an extra zit pops out and a new scar forms, I feel like I am being branded “haha you loser”.

I can’t even indulge in retail therapy. I have no money. This is terrible. I feel terrible. I am the joker who remains unnominated.



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