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May 9, 2008

Posted by ash in Uncategorized.

Sometimes, all the bad things happen together, so much so that one starts seeing the bad things as normal because the bad is default anyway.

I texted him minutes ago, I just needed some support via text messages. You know, when no one can help you with your problems, you just need to get it off by writing it or saying it out. In my case, I text. It doesn’t really matter who the opposite party is actually, it just makes more sense to text him in this case because I expect some level of concern from someone close.

“Are you ok?”

I don’t know how to answer this question. I am not ok, but I am ok. Not ok because I am obviously not ok, but ok because I still have to carry on with my daily tasks and life. Ok within the not-ok frame I guess.

Yesterday evening I received a msg from AL. Ever since I went into hiding, I stopped contacting everyone. AL was my best depression support partner before I went to JPN. We wallowed in misery together and pulled each other out while wallowing. It was an art.

Of course I had no inhibitions of telling her straight (even after months of not talking) that it’s a bad time and I often fantasise about accidental deaths these days. She reminded me of my failed suicide attempt years ago. It’s hilarious. I was going to jump, I had written letters to close friends and stacked them neatly. I made my way to the neighboring block and gave up eventually because the weather was too hot. Isn’t that funny?

Today as I was on the plane back from a short business trip, I thought about how it would be like if the plane were to crash. Who would I call? I suspect I won’t call anyone, except perhaps that special him in JPN maybe. Then again, I can’t recall his mobile number offhand. I felt guilty for fantasizing about the plane crash, that would mean the death of all others onboard.

While I am writing this, I am experiencing a halt in the exchange of msges between him and me. I think I shocked him with the suicide attempt anecdote. *laughs* I think he isn’t good with people with emotional baggages. Yes, a confident chap like him…but I still like him.

It’s a strange situation. 1 person fearing death in the family, and the other fantasizing about it.



1. almoking - May 10, 2008

darn cool! i seriously tink that you can be better than J K Rowling in writing fantasy novels, no doubt it will be a sell-out, jia you 😀

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