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May 4, 2008

Posted by ash in Uncategorized.
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I have been in am hiding. I don’t know what to do with myself and I am sorry if it seems as though I have disappeared from this world. I was talking to someone yesterday and at some point of the conversation, I conceded that I have changed. I think the adjective to describe me now (apart from the multitude of negative others) is lacklustre. You can see it from my face, you can see it from my form (someone commented my posture gets worse) you can feel it from me, I can feel it myself. 

I lost motivation to do anything at all. I lost the impetus to want to change my life, to want to improve because I no longer know what is it that I ought to do or more than that, can do. It seems to me that I am not equipped to do anything, that I have no skills, and no knowledge of anything. I am suddenly a very frightened 27 year old. I question myself every now and then these days, 3 more years down the road and I would be 30, a glorious age for most, whereby stability in all aspects come into place…a good job, marriage or results from investments made. And me? Still lost. I am afraid to be 30. I am afraid to have to admit that I am a lost adult without any achievement to speak of.

Everyday is a dread to me. This drudgery, I don’t know how long I can survive it. I am beginning to fantasise about getting into accidents, because death seems appealing at this point. It’s pathetic I know, to display such weakness. It is almost a form of disrespect to those who are clinging on to dear life…when there are people out there battling with life-threatening illnesses or earnest beings who work hard for simple contentment. But, I too am diseased. It’s a disease of the entire being. And I am getting desperate. I feel like crying but no tears come out. I feel like ending my life but then again I don’t know how and I know it shouldn’t be the way.

I am disappointed with myself, much as there are people out there who feel the same way about me. I am sorry to let you down. I fear I no longer have the strength to stand up again this time.

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Comments»

1. Cynthia - May 11, 2008

Hey girl,

It’s been a long time since you’ve written & I’m sorry that it has to be such depressing posts. I don’t know your problems well (not sure what you have to face at home and love wise), so I’m afraid I’m not in the best position to dish out advice or comforting words. But it kinda saddens me to see you like that – we after all were JET mates. Just wanna say that you’re not the only one feeling lost or without purpose. And if you think that you’ll be happier if you were still in Japan, it might not necessarily be so..well, at least for me. Sometimes I wish I were back home instead, and sometimes I don’t. But at the same time, I keep wishing that I’m not here, but somewhere else. I guess it’s the feeling of being lost – not knowing what I really want in my career, love or just life in general. Before I came to Japan, I was sure about what I wanted, but not anymore because things are just different after you’ve experienced it for yourself. I wouldn’t say I’m depressed now, but I’m worried and feeling without purpose too a lot of the time. And I know there’s another former JET (don’t want to mention names here) that stayed on in Japan, and is struggling mentally & emotionally too. I hope you can find comfort in knowing that you’re not the only one.

And you’re totally wrong about yourself. You’re one of the smartest, outspoken & funniest girl I’ve ever known & I’m not just saying this to make you feel better. It’s true. Your Japanese is awesome (not to mention your English & Mandarin), you’re articulate, pretty, talented even in many ways…some that I probably am not aware of. So don’t ever give up on yourself. You can bitch endlessly about life and so on, but don’t give it away. What’s there to bitch about if we’re not living on this earth, right? And what fun will life be if we can’t bitch, eh? :p It’s probably just a bad phase you’re going through now. Luck changes – you’re never always unlucky or lucky. Plus, you have all the good attributes to pull you through! 頑張れ!

2. ash - May 11, 2008

Hey Cynthia, thanks so much for writing in. I didn’t know that you read things from here, it’s nice to know.
I can understand a little of what you are saying about wishing you were back home but sometimes not. Yes, I do know that even if I had stayed on in Japan, the “purposeless” feeling would set in anyway. I know of someone else who was in Tokyo for 4 or 5 years and feels neither here nor there. I guess, struggles take place anywhere.
Thanks so much for your encouragement. I recall that few days whereby we stayed together in Hilton Tokyo with Becca and Ben…those were fun days really. It was the beginning of a whole new adventure. I wish I had the chance to know you better. Really appreciate your comments. You take care too, お互いに頑張りましょうね。ありがとう。

3. Cynthia - May 22, 2008

I’m sure things will look up for you soon. Life’s never easy all the time – it’s never fails to test & tease us; it’s up to us how we’ll rise up to the challenges & mockery. あたしも頑張ります、、、仕方ないね。


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