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February 10, 2008

Posted by ash in Uncategorized.

I no longer know what to write on this blog anymore. I think I have nothing to say or rather, I have so much complicated things to say I can’t summarise them all. Because you see, I don’t even understand these things myself.

The New Year holidays passed by in a flurry. Well it didn’t really pass by in a flurry, I just used the word for the sake of using it, seeing how I rotted those days away. It’s just that so many things have been happening recently that I couldn’t wait to have these few days off, only to find them slipping out of my fingers as fast as they came.

I am too weary to write in detail about the sexual harassment by Jap boss incident here. So let’s just say he got drunk and in his drunken stupor, tried to pull up my skirt. Shocking huh? Another classic example of how (japanese) drama mirrors life.

So the predecessor has left for the land of the rising sun and I am now officially taking over all her duties. I am absolutely scared, insecured and crushed by work. She must have been a super woman, an unsympathetic one at times though.

My latest embarassing incident at work was failing to provide the full term for an abbreviation on my namecard to a client who popped the question. And that abbreviation is supposed to be the name of my department. My only answer was a “Erm, I don’t know.” How lousy can I get? And let’s just say again that the client is one of the intimidating ppl from S*ag**e, who later commented casually to me that “You know, first impressions are really important.”

I received an email from the ex the other day. He wrote sincerely about how he cannot find someone special after I left because “you always did you best for me”. It is very sweet and I teared while reading it. He mentioned that he has taken a liking to the song “Wake me up when September ends” by Greenday recently and asked if I know it. Yesterday I was buying speakers for my com and when I asked for it to be tested in the shop, the shop assistant tested “Wake me up when September ends” out of so many other songs that could have possibly appeared…I was going to cry…the coincidence is too painful. I don’t know if anyone understands, it’s that sudden pain in your heart, knowing that something you lost can never be retrieved.

Being with someone now doesn’t help. I am doing my best and I feel for him , but I just don’t feel the reciprocation enough. I keep comparing, I keep thinking the ex appreciates me more. I keep feeling that maybe I am not the one for him so he’s not feeling much for me. I don’t know what’s happening to me, this rush of self-worthlessness. My parents…my job…the bf…I don’t seem to be good enough for anyone of them. What am I to do? I know people have had enough of my whining but I really feel helpless. I don’t know myself, I don’t know who I am anymore. What happened to the fiesty me years ago? The one who stood up against anyone and everyone whether there was a good reason or not, the one who never did anything against her will, the one who screamed and shouted unreasonably? I know these are not exactly good traits, but at least back then I had vigor, I felt alive. Now…it’s like I am living in an empty shell and trying hard to prevent it from crumbling to pieces.

I think people don’t know what to do with me anymore. Everyone is busy, no one has time for my petty complaints. I know. One friend used to comment that as I whined, I will find my own way to settle things myself so there is no need to interfere with my “whine and pick myself up” process. In a sense it’s true. But I really don’t know what I want anymore, is there even any meaning in continuing to pick myself up?

I need a good sleep.



1. wee - February 11, 2008

hugs. let me know whenever you need a lunch partner. 🙂

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