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November 28, 2007

Posted by ash in about Memories & Reflections.

I am 2 days late in posting up my reflections for this week. That 2 days was spent in a certain part of KL, coughing my lungs out during meetings and smiling my head off like the most amiable girl in the world. Curse the flu bug, I am still horribly sick.

Came back from the music store empty-handed (15 minutes of my precious lunch time) because apparently both staff and inventory system do not recognise Radiohead. It’s too ridiculous even to comment.

Do you know this feeling? It’s the strange feeling of uncertainty which comes with the acquisition of something new. Take my torn and tattered Braun Buffel wallet for example, it’s battered and ugly after years of use, but I still like it for its seasoned feel. I tried to buy a new wallet, used it for one day and changed it back to the BB again. No, I am the least sentimental person, I adore the new and I throw away the old, especially if I think there is no value left in them. I don’t usually do these “I still love my 10-yr old t-shirt” things.

Yet I find that if I invested genuine feelings into something, I tend to take a while to let it go. You may think I am stating the obvious. Everyone who invests genuine feelings into things take a while to let go. Nope. I don’t mean that. For me, there is genuine genuine and genuine. It’s a complicated concept, I don’t really know how to explain it myself either, or maybe it’s easier to just say that I am weird or dysfunctional. By genuine genuine, I mean rare instances where I show a fierce affection or love towards something or someone, a love which can withstand the fickleness of my own mind. Genuine is when I feel genuine feelings but these may not survive my quick tendency to change.

I ventured into something new lately and this morning, those thoughts struck me again. I am uncertain. For me, the old was definitely better. Unfortunately it can never be mine anymore. By all logic, I should welcome the new because if I don’t, there is no moving on. But this new…I don’t know what to make out of it. Am I making things difficult for myself again? Only time will tell, and it shouldn’t be too long for me to know if the tattered BB is still better.



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