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August 18, 2007

Posted by ash in about Moody rants.
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Sitting here in front of my laptop at 2.30 am, staring at the WordPress window, feeling tremendously empty. For someone who boasted that she was strong 2 weeks ago, this is clearly not a positive indicator.

2 weeks and I still can’t get used to being here. Friends have heard the comparisons, the lamenting and some have asked me to shut up and get on with life. As one guy puts it in a way typical of NS men :”Can you get on with the program?”

 I probably can’t. I have been going out a lot recently, demonstrating over-dependency on certain friends, spending money I shouldn’t spend…all in an attempt to make myself forget that I actually feel really terrible. YF is right, the sudden loneliness which washes over you after you say goodbye to your companions for the night is too much to bear…but I don’t cry or should I say, can’t cry? The first few nights I spent crying, now I stare into blank space. Sometimes I feel resentment, towards who I don’t know.  Circumstances maybe.

I want to scream “I AM SO TIRED!!!!” to the whole world but I can’t. Many people are tired too, what am I? This sense of helplessness is driving me crazy. My heart, it’s filled with painful memories. This is no time for theatrics I know, but if only someone can understand what I am feeling…

I am confused. Is it the people around me who don’t understand or am I the one who doesn’t understand? WHAT IS IT?!

I put this song on repeat mode. It’s called “Teru no Uta”. Listening to the song makes me feel worse but I keep on listening to it. The sense of loneliness depicted in the song and the lyrics, it moves me.

I don’t even know what I am talking about anymore. Why am I writing all these things.

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Comments»

1. SePPiE - August 18, 2007

Lost trail of ur blog after u closed ur last one..but glad that i’ve found this back! It’s so fast how u’ve left and now back..i still rem we met up just b4 u left. Have been keeping track of ur life thru the rest and am proud of how u pulled thru the last 2 yrs. We must catch up soon! 🙂

2. ash - August 19, 2007

hey, thanks for dropping by. Yep, you have my contact number?

3. topo - August 19, 2007

*hugs* and see you on tue!

4. ash - August 19, 2007

topo: see you on tues ~


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