Fighting Negativity September 2, 2008Posted by ash in Uncategorized.
I am feeling really tired and unproductive today. It’s certain that I am feeling exhausted from the crazy jetting. Who would have thought that flying for less than 4 hours a week would make you this tired? I thought such weariness only apply to people who jet to places like America or Dubai and get hit by extreme jet lag. I am so not looking forward to my biz trip tomorrow.
Just the other day, a friend texted me about running into someone whom she does not want to meet. And in order not to go against the social norm, they exchanged numbers and now the opposite party is bugging her to meet, causing this friend to be in a situation whereby she has to meet that bugger. I told her I don’t understand why she has to patronise the bugger. We can’t please everybody. And I am tired of trying to please people. It’s like one of the recurring themes in my life.
When she said it was hard to reject the opposite party and lamented that the opposite party seems to be doing very well (which is the main reason why she hates to meet, because the opposite party would be boasting), I tried to encourage her with the usual “You can do it” words.
I understand her feelings perfectly. It’s the damn feeling of jealousy, spite and envy all mixed into a mean blob stuck in your throat. You wonder why success and happiness is not yours even after you put in so much hard work, you wonder why these buggers live a life you wish for yet do not seem to know how lucky they are. Of course, I know what it feels like. After several attempts at encouraging her and her reciprocating with nothing but negative comments (I really dont wanna meet her, my boss has no plans for me blah blah blah) I gave up and our sms-communication ceased.
It wasn’t until much later in the night that I felt an anger build up in me. I realised that I was angry with the friend who texted me earlier on. I was angry with her for the negativity she encompasses and for having thrown that negativity at me.
For the past month, I have been doing all I can to break out of my own negativity.
It seems like a long time but the fact is that only 2 months have passed since the wretched break-up. Though I’m no longer reeling with shock and anger, I am still very much in a state of vulnerability. I channel 200% of my energy into my work now, partly because I have no choice and partly because it is the best thing to do. In the fight against acne, I tried to overcome my zero confidence to deal with the situation, albeit at the cost of petty quarrels with friends and spending lots of money on medication.
Still on the pill and still ballooning. However, I decided not to lose (to myself) anymore and tried to squeeze 3 exercise days into a week. Put words into action, do something to curb the ballooning and not whine like our fave ST columnist. I lug my sports shoes and exercise wear to my Indonesia biz trip every week, if my meetings end late at night, I wake up earlier next morning and try to catch some time to run on the treadmill. If I can stay in SG, I try to jog around my neighborhood. No signs of weight decrease, but I try to keep it up. With the darn rival at work, I try to be gracious and keep my enemy close to me. I take Abby’s advice and buy more books to read when I have time.
In the midst of all these, I sometimes feel like I am pushing myself too hard. There are days I wake up in the morning and feel that I am in a limbo. There are evenings on the bus where I feel frustrated with myself for nothing. I don’t know if it is the physical fatigue that is crippling me or if it’s something else, but every now and then, feelings of negativity still creep back and attack me.
I try not to let these feelings get the better of me. In fact, I think I fared reasonably well in the past couple of weeks. I am doing constructive things, I take steps to pick myself up.
Yet, I am struggling. I use every ounce of my strength be it mental or physical to fight this war against myself.
And that is why I was angry with my friend. I don’t need anybody else’s negativity anymore. If I give you positive advice from the bottom of my heart when I myself am struggling, you don’t throw it back with your negative feelings. Working hard and putting in effort is no longer a choice, it’s imperative at this point. And it really will not give us the success or happiness we want, but in Japanese they say yaru shikanai. There is nothing else you can do but to do (what you have to do).
I realised something else. You must perceive yourself to be strong, even if others don’t recognise that strength of yours.
Remember that we survived Japan ourselves. The discrimination, the cultural difference, the lack of empathy we faced, we each fought and cried in our own circumstances, but we survived. It may not be a big deal for other people who have gone through more, but I am sure you realised that 2 years must have called for strength of some sort. The same fighter spirit which saw us through then would see us through now. It would because it has to.
I believe I am strong, but even this strength will be weakened with countless attacks of negativity. I am struggling but I want to fight with whatever little positivity I can muster. The road from now is going to be long and hard, but if you do not take the first step of untying that knot around your feet, you will end up falling on your face at the same spot always.
Fight the negativity, and don’t bring it unto others.